shower in the dark

Doesn’t look like I’m incined to blog any longer. I am posting writing, though. Ask me for the address if know me and you’re interested enough.

Well, if Joe’s writing somewhere online I think I might as well post it here. This was his comment on a local discussion board - the thread was criticism (and defense) of the school board for hosting the new gay-straight alliance website. I won’t add links until I’ve vetted this site…

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For every one person saying something here, there must be many who read and don’t comment. That’s tempting for me because I really don’t want to be drawn into some of negativity that can develop in such discussions. I’ve appreciated something about what everyone has written, and disagreed with a lot too. I’ll try to convey my thoughts here; forgive me if I write alot, but I do not usually comment (as you can tell by my not knowing how to quote in the box properly) and do not want to be misunderstood.

QUOTE from ChrisJ: “i was raised in a disfuntional christian home, and as such i have developed a deep seated hatred for religion in any form. they are the most intolerant, hypocritical, anal retentive self loving humans you will ever meet.”

I recognize ChrisJ’s anger at so-called-religious intolerance (it’s about the opposite of Jesus’ life!!). Were you refering to particular people you grew up with or religious people in general? I know as many deeply moral people who are not religious as are. (And by moral I mean loving, tolerant, kind, trying to help others, etc. much like Stardog Champion’s definition: “the most basic moral values transcend all cultures. Respect one another. Don’t hurt people. “) In other words, some of those religious types, perhaps like Dr Martin Brokenleg, are not hypocrites and are going to react to being called that.

However, there are some funny misunderstandings and contradictions with the attack (criticism?) on the qya. For instance, ismellfish wrote: “Like Chris J, I was somewhat homophobic growing up. I am not now but I am not ready to tell my teenage son that it is ok for him to bring a girl home on Friday and a guy on Saturday. It’s unfair for society as a whole to expect people to change so dramatically in such a short time.” I might be concerned if my son brought home a boy one day and a girl the next - I’d ask him how serious he was, whether they knew about each other, and perhaps be concerned he was being promiscuous. But that’s not about the gender of who he’s bringing home, but about the timing. ismellfish, you don’t want to be homophobic, which I appreciate; do you mean you would have a problem with your son ‘bringing home’ a boy? And if you did feel something about it, as many of us who grew up homophobic (very few don’t!), would you have that be your own issue to work out, or would you convey your disapproval to your son? Your son’s as likely to find himself attracted to a boy as any of us, but less likely to let you know about it (or feel okay about himself) if you aren’t letting him know you don’t think that is wrong.
Regarding society expecting us to change, I think you might be concerned that society is changing - ‘it’ is just us collectively. Think of the changes wider society expected individuals and communities in the southern states to make since the fifties (civil rights movement). Many did change, some didn’t but their kids did (and felt more distant from them for the difference). Its not surprising to read something written by a white southerner in the sixties that is racist, and we can appreciate why they might be that way. But for their black neighbours to take it, we wouldn’t expect that. In other words change might be hard, and might have a ‘maximum speed’ for you or any of us, but that doesn’t mean we shouldn’t change. Black people in the south (and everwhere) deserved that change (not that it’s complete yet).

The hundreds of us in Rupert who are parents, students in grade-school, your neighbours, siblings, and cousins, also deserve change. We are hiding less and less, down on ourselves less and less (though gay teens are still committing suicide far more often than those fitting the straight mold), and some of us are even asking for support in doing the things straight folks take for granted. If you fear equality, the day (that still may never come) when gay relationships are valued as much as straight ones, then rest assured we’re not there yet. As far as I know, there are no images in our schools of same sex couples. Not even the QYA poster dared putting one on (even an email address was considered risky). But the movie posters, or images of families, will have men and women together (heterosexual relationships). Any movie at the local theatre, even kid’s movies, will have men and women at least kissing (and great!).

Which brings me to another misunderstanding. The QYA is not a ’sexual group’ any more than lunch at a highschool cafeteria (well, less so even); it’s a social group. As chiefdave wrote: “I don’t think that the school system is shoving anything down you childeren’s throats, it is merely providing a place in the system for the gay and lesbian population(not that there is anything wrong with that! sorry couldn’t resist) of youth in the communitty. In my opinion, It is making the system all inclusive and promoting awareness, instead of ignorance. This is not stopping you from teaching and passing on the morals which were taught to you.”

And if you think this is special interest, okay; perhaps all such special interest groups should apply to the district for site hosting. Special interest is a charged term we use to say not of wider social importance. Bird-watching? Wrestling? Oh, wait, wrestlers are supported with public space and money (and a good thing). Except we don’t hear kid’s using the term ‘wrestler’ as a synonym for useless or disgusting. I don’t think we have a recent history of killing or beating up individuals in our society for being wrestlers. I’m also pretty sure certain that being a wrestler is a choice, but even most conservative churches, such as the Catholic Church (the Church of my own family) acknowledges same-sex attraction as common; it’s only when you develop intimacy with those who you feel attracted to that they say you commit a sin against God.

Before voting in favour of supporting the QYA, school board members talked about wanting to support our kids in schools, knowing that gay kids are still targeted and have little ’safe’ space to be themselves with their peers (or anyone else). The support came with a district regulation to support gay, lesbian, and transgendered students and staff, and went along with Canada’s constitutional commitment to end discrimination against gay, lesbian, and transgendered Canadians. The school district was named on the QYA site when it was set up because they are the technical host. But the Prince Rupert QYA was already supported by many individuals and organizations including Northern Health, Ministry of Children and Family Development, Prince Rupert Teachers’ Union, Options for Sexual Health (was Planned Parenthood), and the Over the Rainbow Guild.

Thankyou anyone who took the time to read all of this post. Although we may disagree, I really hope not to have offended anyone. I know that some people want to argue, but I think sometimes it’s just about understanding what each other are saying.

I hereby resign my guilt of not writing here for two months.

Also, I’m looking forward to a new place and format… just need a little help from my friends to get there. So I’ll be writing there soon I hope. It’ll be a little more private, so I’ll email out how to get there.

Now to erase the 141 spam comments…

yep. looks like i have one for next fall. half of one anyway. how strangely things unfold. it is not at all what i expected.

and, even more notable, my kitchen cupboards are back up. i had this great idea to switch my oven and fridge. a lot of work, let me tell you. for me anyway. but i’m starting to think that everything is. everything i do properly takes me sooo long. it’s not just reading and writing (which is what i’d been thinking). no, everything. i guess what’s strange about reading and writing is that i’ve gotten lots of practice at it and it still takes me sooooo long. cupboard moving, i don’t have so much practice at, so it makes sense i suck at it (or at least that i spend a lot of time not doing it right before it’s finally done okay).

so i’ve been spending almost no time on this blog, as anyone can see from the posting dates and the top-of-my-head way i’ve been writing them. house. house and job, (the later currently dimishing in time). that’s my excuse. forget those ‘i told you sos’ and ‘he never stays interested in anything very long’. i said forget them, but i still hear them.

i’m off to try to rustle up some temporary summer work. not my favourite, but we’ll see.

j

Since I bitch when I have so many spams, let me say, today I have none. Just a nice comment from my friend who reads my blog. Work continues to be always different (isn’t that an odd juxtaposition of terms?); I have found myself at times stressed enough to be ‘just trying to get through’ and other days perhaps even basking, still on my toes (I know I can’t afford to relax), but honestly finding it enjoyable. Okay, now this sounds a little negative though I don’t really feel this way: working means I don’t scrutinize my worth so often, I don’t judge whether what I’ve done or who I am is worthwhile - I just get on with it, and sometimes even with a feeling of satisfaction. So there you go, I who have had legitimate work so little in my life am a psychic slave (that could be the name of a movie) to the work ethic (ie. we are working hard or else shit). I do kind of like this work. Did I say that?

and it’s my weekend. Taken together, I feel okay about them both. My grandfather just turned eighty-five - he says if I keep having them every year I’ll catch up with him. (Actually he said he’d better stop having them so I can, but that’s a bit dark.) I showered in the dark here for the first time last night. It’s not so easy to arrange now my bathroom has a window (and it’s nearly June!). My on-call job had me yesterday with nearly no plan left - not fun, but I’ve been expecting some more challenging days and it’s a bit of a relief to have had one, and survived.

It has been pointed out to me that the second image below looks not like a contrast but a prelude (or threat) to the first. Well okay, we get the scary clouds, nearly every day, but it is lovely, and often not raining too. That’s what I meant.

(These pics are from my first days back. It’s nice to have been far enough away to be re-awed. I’m sure that’s a word.)

have i mentioned i hate reading the hundreds of spam comments i get here?

new place to live, new routine, new work. it’s been really hard to keep writing on this site. again (still) i’m in a confusion over what to write, to whom, what to reveal, what to keep. it’s like all other relationships, but i don’t know who this one is with (if anyone). this sounds very down, but i am glad for this space to write. i was never feeling i had time to write before, but now it competes with a lot more possible activities. even though i’ve moved from the city to the small town, my house allows a much greater diversity of activites. shall i play guitar? install or fix something? well here’s a photo of here coming next.

I have just deleted 301 spam-comments. All prescription drugs and a few porno-sites thrown in for good measure. Irrationally, I know, I had this idea that yes, 300 of them would be spam, but that the 1 would be real. Don’t get me wrong. I am no longer desperate for comments. I have gotten past that. No offense, but I’m not sure I even need readers. But still, that extra 1 seemed like it must be. A funny way to think.

I watched the sky get brighter and brighter this morning over Oldfield Mountain. Brightening blue with some wispy clouds, scuttling along. Oh, then torrential rain (I mean as heavy as from a bathroom shower, except over the whole town). Now it seems to have stopped. A little hard to see for sure because the bug screen on my window is thick with collected rain (does this make sense? The netting has drops all through it obscuring my view). Maybe it is raining, but a much finer rain. And quieter - when it was heavy, it was also loud as hell. Yes, this is my town. A little wetter than usual this year, I’m told. Although I say it’s my town, since not from here I listen for such comparisons. And ravens. Seen lots of ravens back and forth. They don’t seem to mind the rain. Or else they mind everything because they call so plaintively. Yes, it is all lovely. Mostly I am not kidding.

And I did work yesterday, in the morning. I did it. It was actually quite good. And this afternoon again, somewhere else. What a strange job.

I meant to mention I’ve now seen Brokeback Mountain. What a great movie. I resist saying that because I’d heard so much, felt so involved in a broad social appraisal of the film before I had even seen it. I didn’t see all the weaknesses in it that I was told were there, I saw some (and despite the hype, hardly explicit compared to the average R-rated het love scenes), and thought it could do a lot of good, or at least, we fucking deserve more of that. The hand spit. Wow! There’s how to be explicit without showing a thing. That felt very raw and powerful to me. My heart? Yes, it ached most at the visit to the folks’ near the end (not to give anything away to those three people who haven’t seen it yet). I usually have nothing to say about costume, but the way Jack Twist degenerated physically the wealthier (and older) he got. Without making him a silly mess, he just sagged in a painful, familiar (I so know that) way. I don’t mean he wasn’t alive and vital, but it was all more and more internal, surrounded by a decayed way of being in his life. Hmm. 5min movie reflects sound weird.

Ah, the sun again. I don’t believe it. I think I’ll unpack some more before work.